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Portion Out of Control

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.” 
― Jarod KintzThis Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m such a bread whore. There’s something about walking through a bakery that leaves me excited and tingly. The smell kisses my lips and leaves me wanting more. The warmth whispers in my ear and entices me to try a sample. It’s heat sending shivers through my body. The softness wraps around my body and squeezes gently leaving me toasty inside. Ah. Food Porn.

Going to the gym today. I am totally going! Don’t look at me like that. I’m really going! Where are my shoes? Where’s my gym bag? Damn it! Keys?? Forget it. Just getting out of the house is too much of a hassle. Besides, looking for all those missing assholes gave me my own workout. Tomorrow. Yes. Definitely tomorrow.

I swear it only took a week to gain 100 pounds. It’s going to take the next 100 years to lose it. I can look at a candy bar and gain 50 pounds. I hear myself getting fatter staring at the yellow packaging on the Butterfinger. If it’s in ONE package together, that’s ONE serving size right? So king-sized is a perfect portion for me. This is my belief and I’m sticking to it. I’ve come to a point where it’s like, “Eh, I’m already this big. What’s this ONE piece of cake going to hurt?” Before I know it, that sucker is gone and I’m a cave woman on the hunt for more.

phil

My stoic expression seeps through my face as I blink at my nutritionist. She hands me a pie chart. Mmm, pie. “As you can see here, this is the portion size that is considered the normal portion size to maintain a good weight,” she says, trying to convince me that what she’s saying makes sense. She’s a tiny, little thing and as I’m sitting next to her, the room seems to get smaller. “Look, I appreciate what you’re saying but I don’t think this is the correct portion size for a 400 hundred pound woman. I mean, could you imagine if I tried to eat protein the size of my fist?” She stares back at me with a smile and nods.  “Yes. You’d lose weight.” She’s trying to be nice, bless her heart but I am over this conversation and am looking at the door wondering if I’m quick enough to make a break for it. If only I had gone to the gym, I’d be fast enough to make the exit before she could say portion size.