A ball is churning.
A small rash in my private place.
A private place at my face.
Questions attacking me.
I cannot explain.
This time, who’s to blame?
Memory goes black.
Body under attack.
Child shuts down.
Don’t bother with sound.
I want to jump into where I’ve been and what I have been doing and the reason for my absence quickly. So let’s begin.
Depression is nasty. It debilitates you and leaves you numb, causing you to separate yourself from life, family, and friends. The devil entered my life at a point where I felt weak and vulnerable and he used that to scratch his own itch. It can last days or months; in my case, months. You are able to function at some small level but anything after that takes energy you don’t have. Reaching out for help is out of the question but I’ve been blessed to have friends and family who give me my space and time to heal. For that, thank you.
Time for the big news! Thanks to all of your comments, feedback and positive prayers, I have decided that I want to share my story with the world. I am writing a book! My own little autobiography. When you read my blogs (and book) I want you to be able to say, “Me too!” You are not alone in the struggle and the struggle IS real! The book is titled, “The Starving Fat Lady – Binge eating, abuse, and mental illness.” I’ve been working on the first chapter these last few months and am hoping to have it proofread and finished in another few weeks. I have years of work to do but it will be worth it to have my readers know they are not alone. When I think about being isolated, I sometimes think about grade school. It seemed I always befriended the outcasts, the rejects, the mess. Or maybe it was the other way around. They accepted me. I, too, was the outcast, the reject, the mess. Either way I met and know some extraordinary people! Those that knew I was worthy and believed in what I did, even if I failed, thank you!!
I leave you today, with this: You will get better. With time and support, life does open up and bring you sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it seems the darkness will never go away but trust me when I say, it goes away. Thank you to those hanging in there with me and putting up with my bouts of depression. I can’t express to you just how much it means to me.
The Starving Fat Lady
The demons are coming out of the bag and I couldn’t be happier.
Opening my crusty eyes, my head pounds. I try to lift my head from the pillow but it’s been replaced with what feels like a cinder block. I look to my left and there lies a handsome man. I’m not sure of his name but I know that we shared a night together. I get up and walk to the bathroom. A shower has to take away this heavy, painful feeling. I stand in the hot waterfall, both hands against the wall, and let the water run down my body, washing away the handsome stranger, smell of cigarettes, and alcohol.
Heading to the bar, I know tonight is going to be epic. All my girls, a bra full of cash, and my eyes in search of another handsome stranger. Eight beers, a few shots of apple pucker and tequila later, I’m ready to leave with another victim of my one night stands. Yes. Women have them too. He’s not as handsome as the stranger the night before but he kisses well and his body is a ripple of amazing. As long as he can satisfy this demon that’s fighting for release, he will do just fine.
The dark truth about my escapades: I’ve burned many relationships. I was never satisfied in a relationship. I never cheated because the man I was with wasn’t good enough. Believe me. I’ve wrecked a marriage and some great relationships all on my own. I cheated because I think I needed to feel sexually needed. It was a luscious feel-good that I desperately craved. The female devil in red high heels and long, pointed horns made me do it.
I won’t take full credit for my train wreckage of a marriage. It was a 50/50 deal. What I will take full credit for, however, is being the home-wrecker myself. I’ve split up 2 marriages. I’m not proud. At the time, it didn’t matter because I was selfish. I hated women like me yet I was able to put on the shoes and tight dress to play house with another woman’s man. You may even hate me after the blog is through and that’s OK. I hated the woman who took my husband too. After I found out, I ran to his best friend finding solace in his body, touch, and sexual desire. The devil made me do it.
One thing that has always been important to me is giving my kids the life my parents didn’t. Now that I’m an adult and am able to look back to my childhood, I can say that things were much more different for me than my two youngest brothers. I look back at pictures and see them involved in the YMCA, sports, and community activities. Mom put me in Campfire for girls once and that was great! After that, nothing. I’m not sure what changed that. I made sure that my kids were involved in the community as much as possible. Volleyball, wrestling, football, archery, rugby, soccer, and gym memberships just to name a few. I felt if their time and minds were consumed by something positive, they would stay out of trouble. Which they did, thank God.
As some of my readers know, mom was abusive. Physically and mentally. I want to blame my grandfather for that but at the same time it’s almost as if, “Hey! Wait a minute. I was abused by you but I haven’t passed that onto my children.” Don’t get me wrong, I demand that my kids have respect and that they learn to be polite and I don’t give two thoughts to swatting them on the ass when I think it’s deserved. Of course, they are adults and teens now but you get my point. Perhaps why they are pretty darn good people today, in my opinion. Mom was a bit more than just swatting on the ass. She once threw my middle brother across the kitchen floor by his shirt. His young body slammed into the fridge with a great big “thump.” She once had me pinned up against a wall for wearing her shirt without permission when she did indeed give me that permission earlier that morning. If you have all week, I’d be happy to go into every fight we’ve ever had. Perhaps that can be saved for another blog.
One thing’s for sure, I knew there was no way in hell I was going to treat my kids as she did us. I haven’t been the perfect mother but I’ve done the best that I can with the tools that were NOT given to me in life. I’m sure as mom got older, she’s thinking the same thing. BUT! Could she have broken that chain? I mean, can I really expect her to learn the same as I did? Did it mean that much to her to change? Was she so stuck in habit that she didn’t really know what she was doing was wrong? I may not have all the answers and as an adult, I’m OK with that. There are still memories that define a bit of who I am today but again, it’s just a memory. I’ve confronted her numerous times over the years but it’s usually the same response. “I don’t remember that.” “That didn’t happen.” “Oh Tonia, that was long ago.” I think it’s best to sweep everything (as my family does) under the rug. We are very close as adults today and I’d like to keep it that way.
I want to thank Teri S. for the writing idea. Reminding me that everything I do can and will trickle down to my kids and for teaching me that change is possible.
You’re not alone. A lot of people have a hard time opening up. I mean, who wants to put their business out there? I was scared to first start this blog. Who would judge me? Who would say things behind my back? Who would leave nasty comments and try to discourage me? Amazingly, putting my business out there has helped me begin the healing process. I can say will all honesty that writing my life to you has slowly helped me open up and be honest with myself.
My sweet reader, I know this is something you can do too. It’s scary, embarrassing, unknown and unfamiliar but it’s also liberating! I’m trying not to worry about what people think of me. I’m me. Love me or hate me. The choice is yours. I’m taking back control. No one is allowed to damage me, control me, or deceive me any longer. Repeat after me, “I’m taking back control.” Close your eyes and repeat it once more. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Makes you feel just a bit more free, doesn’t it?
Many of my readers have sent messages of encouragement and inspiration. It makes me feel so good that I want to pay that forward to you. I want you to know that a complete stranger cares about you. A complete stranger gets you and understands your pain. Healing is a day by day process. Today, take back control. Tomorrow you may feel different and that’s OK. Really. By the way, why is it that we don’t give ourselves the credit of the good things we do. We beat ourselves up because we’re supposed to fit society’s “normal.” We are expected to be skinny, successful, happy….perfect. Well f*** that! I’m me. Get over it. Some of my closest friends are not skinny, successful, or happy. I love them for that. It’s like, “Finally!! People like me!”
Be crazy. Be loud. Be happy. Be over the top. Be dramatic. Just be you…
Check out the video below. Really think about how these things make you feel. I bet by the end of the video, you’re smiling.
I smell propane. I see the pea green shag carpet. It reeks in here. I climb up the small camper stairs and into hell. I know he’s there. I know he approached my mother asking if I could come to his camper to help him clean. Why would she let a young kid come help this dirty, selfish, disgusting, devil? Help me.
This has been going on for years. Too many years. God, why so many? He used to come over late at night when both my parents were gone. Sit on the couch with me and “help” me with my scholastic while his hand fondled my breasts. I don’t remember anything past that. I don’t remember him leaving. That bothers me. It’s hard for me to make it make sense to anyone when I don’t remember all the details. All I remember is that….something happened. It’s more a feeling than it is a vision. Many years later, he was charged with sexually assaulting a handicapped, wheel-chair bound woman. Guilt still lives within me.
Reminisce with me. I’m five. I had a little friend in the trailer court we lived in. She was my only friend there and I adored her. She was raised by her father and I’m not sure where her mother was. One day, her father took me to the back of his trailer. There, he pulled down his sweat pants and showed me his penis. Remember, I was five. Tall enough to be face to penis. Darkness. I remember nothing from that point on. What happened? Years later this friend magically shows up in high school. The last time I saw her we were both six years old. I approached her excitedly one day in the cafeteria. “Hey, (name)! How are you? I haven’t seen you in years!” Her reply still bothers me today. “Stay away from me, Tonia and don’t talk to me again” After that, I never saw her in school again. That reply left me with more questions than ever. Why would she not want to talk to me? We were best friends so many years ago and I don’t remember leaving on a bad note. What the hell happened?!
At 13 I was already out of control and a major pain in my mother’s ass. She sent me to group counseling with teens that were “just like me.” The groups were mixed with boys and girls and to this day I have no idea why, since a lot of us spoke about our past sexual secrets. After group, we would sit in the back yard while waiting for our parents to pick us up. One boy sat with me in the backyard. We talked for a few minutes then out of no where, he grabs my breast and runs. I had no idea what the hell to think. Another person saw what happened and reported it to one of the counselors. Before I know it, I am in a room with my mother, counselor, and two other adults. They were apologizing for what happened. I don’t remember too much of the conversation but they kept telling me how it was wrong and that they were going to change the way things happened there. Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal to me for whatever reason. I can’t even tell you why I felt that way.
Years of therapy and counseling have not brought out what happened to me as a child. These are only few of the instances I remember the most of. There are several over the years but I’m not able to lay them out to make sense. What I have learned is, it’s not OK. This is my body and no one is allowed to touch it unless I say it’s OK. I write these blogs in hopes that many of my readers can relate and perhaps heal with me. If you are being abused, speak out! I wish I would have. Perhaps I would feel a better sense of relief knowing that they weren’t doing it to anyone else. You too can take back control.
Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.