Teaching the Lesson

“Tonia? Are you listening to what I’m telling you? You have high blood pressure and hypothyroidism. Do you get what can happen?”

Yes, Doc. I get it. The more fitting question would be, “Am I going to do anything about it?” Seriously, c’mon. It’s just high blood pressure. Some people have lived with high blood pressure most of their lives! And hypothyroid? HA! Not a big deal! I brush off what he says and grab my jacket. “See yah next week”, I holler as I rush out of the office. I reach my car and sit with my hands on the steering wheel. I’m 30. I can totally outlive this. It’s nothing because nothing can happen to me. I light up a cigarette, start the car, and head to the pharmacy for the first round of medication.

The blood pressure is NOT going down. I’ve cut down on salt! Cut back on cigarettes! I’ve been taking my medications everyday as prescribed! Back to the doctor I go. I face the nurse nervously. “Tonia, I will need you to step on the scale.” I feel a small panic attack coming on and I know that if I tell her, she won’t understand. This dreaded scale! I look down and smiling up at me are the numbers 215. Four more pounds gained. WHAT? HOW?  But…..oh, what’s the use. As I walk down the hallway to my lecture chamber, I can hear the doctor already. “Tonia lose weight. Tonia you will die. Tonia you have to stop. Tonia this is your wake up call. Tonia. Tonia. TONIA!” I round the corner into the room and wait. Finally he enters, shakes my hand, sighs and smiles. Oh Lord! It’s like my father telling me about the birds and the bees! Here it comes!

“You already know. If things don’t change, they will get worse and it will be harder. I want to increase your  blood pressure and depression medications.” Well, I guess with an increase, blood pressure will go down and depression will get better, right? Maybe with my depression treated I can stop smoking, stop eating, stop….oh Tonia. Just stop.”

Out the door and back to the pharmacy. Again. What does this health-nut, mister do-good doctor know about being fat anyways? HA! He can’t tell ME how to be happy! He doesn’t know my body! After this refill is done I am going to McDonalds! That’ll teach em.


Are you ready?

Four. One. Two. Not dollars. Not calories. Not the number of times I have hit the snooze button on a Monday morning but POUNDS! When I stepped off the scale and turned to look at the petite nurse I about fell over. The only thing stopping me was the fact there was no way in hell this little thing was going to absorb my fall. How did this happen? Well no, I know HOW this happened but WHEN? I bet it was that time I did the juicing diet for a week and then cheated by adding ice cubes to make me feel fuller. Yes. It was the ice cubes. Aside from the 4 slices of pizza and 2 king-sized candy bars that “ONE” night, I can’t imagine when this happened!

I am a small town girl (small TOWN, not GIRL) who loves her food. Fast food, Soul food, Mexican food, Chinese food, OLD FOOD, NEW FOOD, GROSS FOOD. I. Love. Food. Hello, my name is Tonia and I am addicted to food. *insert sarcasm* I get so pissed when I drive by a Dairy Queen and see all those skinny people with their skinny kids and their skinny dogs in their skinny cars ordering their skinny cones and mini blizzards.  My DQ conversation goes like this:

Hello welcome to Dairy Queen, may I take your order?

Yes, I would like the large Oreo blizzard, a Peanut Buster Parfait and …..a large water. Oh! And a corn dog.

Is that all?

Oh God I hope so.

I slowly roll up to the window and the sweet, young cashier peeks into my car. Yes. It is only me. Take my money so I can roll over to the grocery store parking lot and eat away my shame.

I started this blog because I am tired of living my lie. I tell myself that I am still 130 pounds and try to convince the world along with me. People tell me, “You don’t ACT like you’re 412 pounds.” Really? Oh thank God! I mean, am I supposed to be bed ridden? Walk around with a Twinkie in my mouth…mmmm…Twinkie. How does a 412 pound person…..act? I will venture on. I will make goals and lifestyle changes. I will cry, bitch, moan, laugh and have excuses. Most importantly  I will have you, my dear readers. My supporters. My bashers. My fatties. My lifeline.

So there you have it, my honesty on a plate. With potatoes and creamed corn.