How do you explain to others that you just want to curl up and die but you don’t want to be dead? The thought of death is simply just wanting things to go away without having to explain why. I want to climb down into a hole and be left alone but I don’t want to be lonely. I want to eat until I’m so fat I can’t move but I’m tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to go out and enjoy the sun but I don’t want to be around people. I want to feel all these feelings I have and I want people to understand them but I don’t want to explain them. I’m a tornado right now. My emotions are a mixture of giving up and being pissed. I’m angry, sad, confused, hungry. This hole smells. It’s damp, dark and musty but I want to live here forever.
Published by thestarvingfatlady
My addictions are many. My homie is food so I'm on a journey trying to find myself - again. I once weighed 420 pounds. After a serious of traumatic events, I got angry over some traumatic events (check out blogs for the updates) and made a life style change. There was an awakening in my soul. I lost 140 pounds and didn't FEEL any different but some say they didn't recognize me. I felt free. Comfortable. Elegant. Then I gained a relationship, got comfortable and have slowly gained the weight back. If someone didn't think that gaining 32 was anything at all, picture having to carry a little over 3, 10-pound bags of potatoes daily. I want my fire back. I want my fury, my voice, my freedom, my journey back. I believe the only way I'm going to get it is to be honest again. To be open, raw and write it all out because this is where I started. I started as The Starving Fat Lady. I wanted so much. Hungry for life. Starving for freedom. But I let food win. I hope you're reading this and relating and now know you're not alone. I hope that you're able to breathe a slight breath of relief knowing 'someone gets it'. Why don't we do this together? View all posts by thestarvingfatlady