The first thing – well no – perhaps the third thing you would notice about me is my consistent inconsistencies. I feel like I should explain why I’m like this not out of necessity but because it’s the entire reason I decided to write this blog. I’m not alone which means others are not alone either. And in order for me, (and perhaps others), to start healing I must first figure out why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel. But who am I?
Truth? I’m a(n) loving, manic depressive, smart, anxious, giving, contradictive, over-the-top, persistent, funny, narcissistic, mostly supportive person. But I’m unpredictable because I can be contradictive making me inconsistent. Ya know? Yeah. It hurts my brain too. I blame it all on depression. Sometimes it makes your brain go in every direction but the right one. Let’s visit that for a moment.
Depression is crippling for some. For me, it’s my lead vest. It feels like it takes away personality and eats away at my soul. It physically takes over and pains my temples and eye lids and parts of my hair. Depression avoids phone calls, text messages, emails, events, visitors and cancels all plans. Depression despises sympathy and looks forward to being alone. There are often times I get sick of hearing myself. It’s much easier to just smile and say, “everything is great”, rather than drag someone down – AGAIN – with my bullshit. But at last, it lifts and I can carry on about my day as if it never existed.
If you follow my Facebook page you will notice that I created a post that said I would be posting blogs every Monday and Friday. In true Tonia fashion, last Friday I did not.
So yes, what had happened was my son had been released from jail recently. As some readers may know, he was in some trouble but he is out until trial. More on that later. I’ve been spending time with him and to be honest, I’m a bit worried. I mean, what parent wouldn’t be for their child, right? With that worry comes stress and with stress comes depression and well – BINGO! Here we are! I canceled plans, I didn’t write my blog, I became exhausted and once again I found myself apologizing that I wasn’t able to meet goals. So, how do I fix it? Sure, I could eat better and I could exercise but that would require me giving a fuck about that so scooch that to the bottom of the list. I must find my passion. Pleasing others is not working. I have to surround myself with people who understand that it’s okay to flake out. That it’s okay to be me without the excuses and that it’s okay to be consistently inconsistent. But where do I start?